
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1501904.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      Homestuck
  Relationship:
      Sollux_Captor/Roxy_Lalonde
  Character:
      Roxy_Lalonde, Sollux_Captor, Karkat_Vantas, Jane_Crocker
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe_-_Human/Troll_Society, Alternate_Universe_-_No_Sburb/
      Sgrub_Sessions, Online_Friendship, Awkward_Flirting, Quadrant_Confusion,
      Underage_Drinking, Xeno, Secret_Identity_Fail, Humor, Interspecies
      Awkwardness, Mostly_Pesterlogs, Masturbation, Awful_Romcom, Naughty_File
      Sharing, Psionic_kink
  Collections:
      Homestuck_Rarepair_Swap_2014
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-04-23 Words: 6074
****** ==> Be the annoying coworker. ******
by deadcellredux
Summary
     TG: yo this new guy at work is hardcore annoyin
     TA: ii feel you. iim traiiniing a total moron.
     In which Sollux and Roxy fail to recognize the glaringly obvious.
Notes
     In this AU, Sburb is just a regular MMORPG with no effect on the real
     world.
     Also, the server name Sollux chooses in the opening section of the
     fic is a reference to the movie The Wicker Man and this_meme.
     Oh dear... I hope you like this! o__o;;;;
See the end of the work for more notes
SBURB is loading. . .
twinArmageddons has started new server Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT THE
BEE2!
twinArmageddons has added tipsyGnostalgic to Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT
THE BEE2!
TG: yoooooooooooooooooo
TG: sweet name lol
TA: thank2.
twinArmageddons has added carcinoGeneticist to Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT
THE BEE2!
twinArmageddons has added gutsyGumshoe to Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT THE
BEE2!
TG: janeeyyy
CG: CAN WE HAVE A SERVER NAME WITH DIGNITY FOR ONCE? THIS IS EXACTLY WHY NO ONE
EVER JOINS US.
gutsyGumshoe is idle
TA: kk iit 2eem2 you have a problem wiith my choiice of 2erver name.
CG: YES. YES I DO.
TG: oh man karkat u got a prob with errrthng
TG: *errthinj
TG: *u kno lol
CG: OH, LOVELY. AN INTOXICATED CO-CAPTAIN. WHAT A SURPRISE! I WONDER WHAT
SHITWINDED JOURNEY SHE’LL LEAD US ON TONIGHT. I CERTAINLY DO HOPE IT’S JUST AS
FUCKING ENJOYABLE AS OUR UNNECESSARY DETOUR INTO PROCURING GLITTERY PANTS FOR
HER SHITTY MARY-SUE AVATAR LAST NIGHT.
TG: hey those pantz were limited edition u hear
TG: that was sum nice shit
TG: look at my sexy avatar wearin em
TG: look how they cradle TEH DONK
TG: *THE
TG: that sure is a fine pixellated ass if i ever did see one
TA: okay.
TA: let2 fiigure out our game plan for thii2 2e22iion.
CG: AH. THE FIRST GOOD IDEA OF THE EVENING. LET’S.
TA: 2hiit iis the 2server name really that awful.
TA: ii thought iit was funny but now ii am haviing 2econd thought2 ii’m
que2stiioniing my 2en2e of humor.
TA: fuck 2hould ii ju2t delete iit guy2 why am ii 2o 2tuipiid kk ii2 riight
nobody iis gonna joiin us.
TG: yo you need 2 chillax
TG: u like that 2 i put there
TG: we gotta stick 2gether cuz we dont have janey rn
TA: wow thii2 ii2 an epiic faiil.
TG: i thikn the name
TG: is fine
TG: like more than fine
TG: relax
TG: we r gonna go out there and pulverize this quest like a sad walnut between
the thighs of chyna
CG: THAT’S DISGUSTING.
TA: no 2eriiously tho ii need two know iif you guy2 have a problem wiith the
2erver name.
TG: sigh
CG: OH MY GOD JUST GET THE FUCK OVER IT. IT’S FINE, LET’S PLAY, YOU’RE WASTING
MY TIME.
TA: oh 2uddenly thiis 2hiit2taiin has valuable tiime.
TA: a2 iif he2 not ju2t 2ome lo2ser iin hi2 lu2u2 ba2ement driinkiing mountaiin
dew and lackiing any 2emblance of a 2ociial liife ever.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MOUNTAIN DEW? I FIND IT TO BE A FINE BEVERAGE
OF RATHER ADMIRABLE QUALITY. THE CAFFEINE CONTENT IS IDEAL FOR A SOFT DRINK OF
ITS NATURE.
TG: omfg guys like can u stop arguin bout soda
TG: and let’s play maybe
twinArmageddons punted carcinoGeneticist from server Land of NOT THE BEE2 and
...NOT THE BEE2!
TG: well ok that’s one way to do it
TA: okay, tiime two focu2, everyone.
gutsyGumshoe is no longer idle
GG: Sorry about that. I’ve a cake in the oven, and I seemed to have realized a
tad late in the game that it’s getting rather crisp. :P
twinArmageddons has sent a private message to tipsyGnostalgic
TA: ok iit2 tiime two 2pearhead thii2 miissiion.
TA: becau2e thii2 ii2 a dii2a2ter twonight 2o far and our team i2 full of
reject2.
TA: no offen2e two your friiend gg but all offen2e to kk, iim not 2orry.
TA: well iim a liittle 2orry, but whatever.
TA: al2o are you actually drunk.
TG: um
TG: just like a lil
TG: u kno how my mom leaves out the boozahol
TG: and i kinda just find it
TG: tricky lil treasure hunter i am
TA: ok.
TG: uh IS that ok
TA: yeah hone2tly ii thiink you play better when you are under the iinfluence.
TA: 2hiit that ii2 an awful thiing two 2say iim 2orry.
TG: no harm no foul broski
TG: i got the mad skillz
TG: the leetness with my mad hax
TG: seriously tho dont worry lets just get this show on the road
TA: ii feel liike ii up2et you.
TG: nope
TA: um.
TG: NOPE X INFINTIE
TG: *infinity
TG: listen u
TA: okay, okay.
TA: al2o are you 2ure the 2erver name iisnt dumb.
TA: ii thought kk would liike iit becau2e it2 from a 2hiitty moviie and all and
ii know how he love2 tho2e 2o.
TA: but then ii punted hiim and now ii dont know iif he wiill forgiive me.
TA: iim an a22hole.
TG: um yeah
TG: i mean yeah its not dumb
TG: but no to bein an unforgivable buttmunch
TG: karkat can deal u kno
TG: but lets not b too debbie downer now
TG: ur killin my buss
TG: *buzz
TG: i need that buzz
TG: to do great things
TG: and stuff
TA: who ii2 debbiie.
TG: ooohh bot
TG: *boy
TG: thats just a human turn of phrase hoke thing
TG: *joke
TA: oh okay.
TA: ok by the way youre really 2weet you know.
TG: pssh of course i fuckin kno
TG: im sweet like cotton candy
TA: eheheh.
TG: we r the best team
TG: like hands down
TG: this has been established over and over again
TG: established…….
TG: TWOFOLD
TG: u like that lol
TA: yeah.
TG: u sure
TA: YE2.
TG: whoa nelly
TA: anyway.
TA: tiime to do thii2.
TG: roger capn
TG: also later
TG: u wanna chat
TA: ye2.
TG: ok lol
TA: 2top wiith the loliing, youre cheapeniing iit.
TG: sry
TG: i just get a lil nervous
TA: ii know.
TA: me two.
TG: virtual interspecies tonsil hockey showdown
TA: what2 a ton2iil.
TG: hahah nevermind
TG: ok let’s take out some imps or rather you take em out
TG: ill watch cuz yr sweet skillz turn me on whoo
twinArmageddons has closed private chat with tipsyGnostalgic
                                   + + + + +
Your name is Roxy Lalonde, and your hangover is monstrous.
When your alarm wakes you for work at 7:30 am, you immediately begin to ponder
your life and your choices. Why did you dump an undetermined amount of vodka
into the MegaGulp of Diet Coke you picked up on your way home? Why did you
choose to join Twin’s server so late at night, when you knew you’d have to be
up this early for work? Why does it take so long to get to the center of a
Tootsie Pop? So many questions. So few answers.
You stumble out of bed and into the shower. You know your mother’s already left
for work, and though your current stint at Tekserve is just a temporary summer
job, you still have a desire to make her proud. So you know that above all
else, you need to get your ass to work. Then you need to kick some ass.
Kicking your own ass might be a good idea, too.
You check your phone when you get out of the shower, after you’ve (laboriously,
due to your headache) done your hair and makeup.
TA: good morniing.
You’re not entirely surprised, but still delighted, to find the message from
Twin, and you proceed to text while getting dressed.
TG: sup
TA: not much.
TA: ii know you 2aiid iit wa2 gonna be a tough day for you twoday.
TA: 2o ii ju2t wanted two say good luck.
TG: thx bb
TG: u 2
TG: arent u trainin or some shit
TG: dealin with chucklefucks who dont kno how to do shit
TA: ehehe yeah that2 kiinda every day though.
TA: the chucklefuck2 are 2trong and ever-pre2sent liike all the 2tar2 iin the
galaxy combiined iinto one biig faiil of a 2upernova.
TA: but yeah ii ju2t got a tran2fer 2o iil probably be workiing wiith newbiie2
on thii2 code mappiing tech.
TG: aw sweet i think we r gonna be learnin that shit soon too
TG: today actually i think
TG: ugh man i am so hungover
TA: iim 2orry.
TG: sall good
TA: youll do fiine.
TG: so will u! but i gotta run to the bus so
TG: ill ttylz
TA: ok.
                                   + + + + +
By ten a.m., you’ve decided that there are very, very few things you are
willing to deal with today.
Sollux Captor, your newly-transferred training lead, is fucking certainly not
one of them.
The four Advils you’ve popped do nothing for the headache you’ve now decided to
attribute entirely to the existence of this lisping, nerdy douchebag troll kid.
It’s all him, for sure. This has nothing to do with the quarter-bottle of vodka
you’ll never see again, nor does it have anything to do with the fact that your
brain is almost literally plugged into the fried GrubBook Air in front of you.
“That’s not how that process works,” Sollux lisps at you. You want to strangle
him, becuase you know he’s rolling his eyes behind those shitty hipster shades
of his. “Is your thinkpan defective? I told you two times. Don’t make me tell
you two more.”
The headache is entirely him, for sure.
“Um, yeah you don’t have to tell me anything at all ever,” you say distractedly
as you poke your thoughts around into the neatly organized code database
scrolling across the tiny screens directly in front of your eyes. The neural
receptors stuck to your temples sure do make it a hell of a lot easier to
insert code directly where you want it; with this new technology, you can
access the most remote and intricate of programs in whatever system you’re
plugged into. It’s pretty fascinating, and you could potentially lose yourself
in it, even with the lingering headache hindering the clarity of your thoughts.
Not, however, with Sollux nagging at you.
“This is the worst attempt to emulate psionic power I’ve ever seen,” he sighs,
and shakes his head. “Humans shouldn’t deal with this. I don’t even know why
this technology is a thing right now.”
You bite your tongue so as not to respond, and focus on your work. You’ll fix
this bug if it kills you. You’ve never felt so attached to a GrubBook Air in
your entire life. You focus hard on manipulating codes, let your brain twist
numbers and formulas, and let the pounding of your head get carried away in the
rhythm of zeros and ones and endless lines of data.
You grudgingly consider his words, however. In a huge city like New York, human
and troll culture had experienced much more of a meld than most other places
across the USA. Your two species had been living together on Earth for as long
as you could remember, but psionic power was the Newest Next Big Thing in terms
of shared technology. You knew that several other shops across the city had
begun to beta the neurotransmitter-connected technologies-- developed by actual
psionics like Sollux-- and considering how interesting it all was, you almost
kind of wished that this (unfortunately gifted) asshole wasn’t the one training
you on it.
If you could even call it training.
You fix the bug, and Sollux barely offers more than a dismissive nod as you
tear off the headpiece and storm away. Sure, it took you several false starts
and tangled bits of codes to get it right, but all was corrected in the end,
and you figure that this was a pretty damn successful first attempt considering
you’re hungover as shit and Mr. CRAPtor here is the ultimate douchelord of the
universe.
You slam the door to the restroom shut behind you, and then type out a text to
Jane.
Angrily.
TG: like who the fuck even is this guy i dont even
TG: fuckin asshole with a stick up his ass
TG: tryna tell me i dont kno my shit
TG: like bitch plz im onea the best techs up in this place dont even
TG: before the day is done u gonna bow to ro-lal
TG: JANEY WHAR R U I NEED U
GG: I’m here!
GG: I was just letting you speak. It seemed as if you needed to get out a bit
of aggression.
TG: ya damn rite
GG: Tekserve seems to be stressing the heavens out of you more often than not
lately! Are you sure you don’t want to work here with me? I could give you
quite the sparkling referral. You’d be guaranteed a position, I think.
TG: aw janey u r the sweetest butt
TG: *but
TG: ok u got a sweet butt too but like
TG: i dunno if a bakery is the right place for me
TG: you know i like my codez and shit
TG: plus im not about to be one-upped by some dude
TG: plus i dunno if i could wake up at 5 am every day just to sift flour or w/e
GG: Understood. Just trying to help, you know!
TG: ya i kno
TG: ur the best but i gotta run
GG: How are you texting me, anyway? I thought your job had a strict no-cell
phones policy.
TG: um yeah it does
TG: im sittin on the toilet lol
TG: hidin that shit
TG: IN THE SHITTER
GG: Well. Okay then.
TG: aw come on that shoulda gotten a lol
TA: hey tiip2y.
TA: how2 iit goiing.
TG: AWWWFULLLLLL
TA: oh?
TG: yo this new guy at work is hardcore annoyin
TA: ii feel you. iim traiiniing a total moron.
TG: oh yeah?
TA: hell2 yeah.
TG: man i hate this dude rn
TG: hes so full of himself
TA: yeah thii2 human is makiing me hella fru2trated.
TG: oh man a human
TG: well
TG: this guys a troll
TG: no hard feelin between us I HOPES lulz
TA: of cour2e not.
TA: how about we ju2t get through the day and we talk onliine later.
TG: hell yeah we r gonna have a rantfest
TA: for 2ure.
TG: hugz
TA: hug2.
TG: ok but THE KICKER
TG: r u ready 4 THE FICKER
TG: *kicker
GG: Yes, I suppose I am.
TG: hes hot
TG: like
TG: “oh no hes hot”
TG: has never been truer
GG: Do tell.
TG: well hes a troll
TG: hes like hella nerdy and has a lisp
TG: and like cute little fangs and double horns
TG: theyre all smooth and pointy and shit i just wanna touch em
TG: even though hes a fuckin shithead
TG: its just awful of me rite
TG: like he was makin me so mad but also kinda HOT N BOTHERED ya dig
GG: You’re insufferable! I just hope you’re thinking straight right now. The
guy seems to be annoying you quite a bit; I wouldn’t go throwing yourself at
him all willy-nilly!
GG: I mean, if that’s what you were looking to do. With the flirting.
GG: Plus, you should really check yourself on whether or not the attraction is
a problematic fetishization.
GG: You don’t want to sound like Jake when he gets on about blue alien females.
TG: oh no plz dont compare me to that assmunch
TG: well u know i say assmunch in the most loving of ways all things considered
with what happened with dirk
TG: but whatever please ive had enough lessons from karkats cousin or whatever
TG: u kno kankri
TG: I am leavin my problematic thoughts out of this
TG: im not fetishiznit
TG: *fetishizin
TG: i just <3 nerds
TG: dont matter the species
TG: plus theres somethin about him i just cant put mah fingerz on but its
drawin me to him
TG: like i already know him or somethin which is unfortch b/c he's a shitlord
rn
TG: anyway my ass is startin to fall asleep from sittin on the porcelin throne
too long so i gotta split
TG: *porcelain
GG: Thank you for sharing that piece of information.
TG: np bb
You compose yourself and head back out to the main floor, and Sollux
surreptitiously slips his own phone back into the pocket of his jeans as you
approach.
“Ready to continue?” he asks.
“Whatever,” you sigh, and slip the headset back on.
                                   + + + + +
TG: fuck this dayyyyy
TA: it2 over tho.
TA: happy dance tiime.
TG: fuck yeah we gonna dance
TG: like its 1999
TG: or however that goes
TA: yeah iit2 2022 but ok.
TA: ii liike thiis year becau2e there are a lot of two2. :)
TG: I BER U DO
TG: BET
TG: god that was soc ute ughgfda i like it when you smeiley
TG: shit that sentence is a wreck
TA: eheheh iit2 ok.
TG: ok
TA: how wa2 your day
TG: it was awful
TG: this douchebag was a royal fuck about psionic shit
TG: no offense i know u have those powers
TG: but like if its gonna go mainstream what can u do
TG: i mean please tell me if theres something i should kno bcuz i don’t want to
be offensive or like culturally fucked up or whatever
TA: iim not worriied.
TA: the thiing ii2 that, iin our 2o2ciiety, before we came two earth, beiing a
p2iioniic wa2 a really 2cary thiing.
TA: 2o 2cary iin fact that ii dont really want two talk about iit.
TA: but that2 all you really have two under2tand.
TA: thii2 2ort of technology beiing u2ed for human purpo2e2 ii2 kiinda liike…
well you dont have two feel the fear we felt.
TA: and a lot of human2 miight take iit for granted.
TG: that is fuckin legit
TG: im really sorry
TA: no dont apologiize.
TG: but that sounds awful tho
TG: sorry im like drink and emotional
TG: *drunk
TG: fuck my typos are so predictable huh
TA: you 2eem two make them when you are nervou2.
TG: eh not always
TG: sometimes im just dronnkkkk
TG: aint gonna correct that one that one was on purpose
TA: yeah ii gathered that.
TG: anyway yeah so my shop got that psionic shit today
TG: and i did really well at it kinda
TG: but the dude trainin me was such a dick
TA: yeah ii had two traiin thii2 human giirl twoday
TA: and iit ju2t took her 2o long two get iit and you know ii have liike no
patiience.
TG: lol yeah
TA: so ii dunno ii thiink ii was kiind of a jerk two her but at the 2ame tiime
iit2 liike whatever.
TG: yeaaaah
TG: well
TG: whatever enough about work
TG: um
TG: so like
TG: those pictures you were gonna send me
TA: eheheh
TA: 2omeone ii2 feeliin frii2ky.
TA: ii2 that the riight human word?
TA: frii2ky?
TG: lol i think its funny how u been here a while and still dont get our words
TA: you dont get our2 eiither.
TG: true
TG: well
TG: um if it helps i got the pic i was gonna send u
TA: oh?
TA: ii wiill def 2end you mine no matter what.
TA: ii dont want two make you uncomfortable. iif you dont want two 2end me
your2 you dont have two but ii will 2end you mine.
tipsyGnostalgic sent file MYJUGSLOL.JPG
TA: oh.
TA: are tho2e liike.
TA: your human che2tnub2?
TA: your rumble2phere2?
TA: ii liike how 2oft your belly look2.
TA: 2orry
TG: r u DISTACTED lol
TA: maybe a liitlle biit.
TG: yeah um so like those r mah boobs
TG: sorry my face isnt in it but im a bit paranoid about that still ya know
TA: yeah ii under2tand.
TA: ii can 2send you miine iif you 2tiil want.
TG: um sure
TA: okay.
twinArmageddons sent file “bulge.jpg”
TG: holy shit
TG: like
TG: you have two of them
TA: yeah.
TG: i just
TG: i cant
TG: ive lost the ability to can
TA: ???
TG: no thats good
TG: like
TG: holy shit
TG: i am just
TG: really turned on oh fuck skjhfkjdhgjkfshd sorry
TA: iit2 ok.
TA: ii am two.
TG: fuck um
TG: like you said you had psionic powers right
TG: like u one of those trolls with the powers
TA: yeah.
TG: so like potentially you could like use those powers to like hold me up a
wall or something while you like uh used those uh bulges on me
TG: like you know put them in me
TG: sex style
TG: HUMAN SEX STYLE
TA: um iit2 cool troll 2ex work2 that way two actually.
TA: except like you could put your2 iin me two.
TA: iif you had one
TA: but ii thiink human2 only have one or nothiing.
TG: yeah i mean
TG: i could fuck you with a silicone one
TA: whoa
TG: baddragon.com check it lolololololooo
TA: um you could fuck me however wiith whatever.
TA: iif iit wa2 you iit wouldnt matter.
TG: ohhhh boy
TG: shit i am
TG: gettin a bit wet here
TA: that2 hot.
TA: tell me more.
TA: ii mean iif that2 ok, oh 2hiit iif iit2 not okay plea2e dont, god ii am an
a22hole.
TG: uh no its cool
TG: uh fuck why dont you send me a picture of your face
TA: weve only been talkiing for liike a month, iim 2tiil cautiiou2.
TG: ok understood.
TA: maybe 2oon though.
TG: yeah uh
TG: I should go to sleep
TA: ok
TA: talk two you twomorrow?
TG: of course
TA: goodniight.
TG: bye!
You don’t go to bed immediately. Right now, that’s impossible.
You can’t stop thinking about him; now that you’ve seen his… troll genitals
(which are kinda hot, ngl), and know for a fact that he’s got psionic powers,
you can't help but start to fantasize about all sorts of awful things: being
pushed down, tossed around, held in place…
...oh dear.
Before you know it, you’ve begun to touch yourself, fingers slipping into your
panties trail your slick up over your clit and rub, hard, panting as you think
about pointy fangs and double horns and messy shaggy hair and shit you are
picturing Solluxohnofuck fuck fuck you are picturing Sollux yelling at you for
getting shit wrong and maybe... holding you down with psionic power while he
smacks you around a little bit for being disobedient? oh shit and those fangs
as he smiles and oh my fucking oh god oh
You come hard.
You’re tired enough to pass out without thinking about it too hard, so you do,
and you don’t.
Thank goodness.
                                   + + + + +

Since your masturbatory foible (as Jane so eloquently called it), you’ve tried
to not think about Sollux. He’s there, of course; being a shithead, insulting
you at work despite the fact that you’re improving, and you try your best to be
a good person and keep Twin’s words about psionics to heart.
It’s hard, though. It’s really hard, and nobody understands.
It’s almost as if Sollux is taunting you on purpose; it’s like he’s goading you
to get a rise out of you, maybe even to challenge you. Your style, however, is
to keep on keepin’ on, and keep on you do, decidedly the opposite of shy when
it comes to boasting about your high commission earnings and your nearly-
flawless track record when it comes to fixing what seem to be near-impossible-
to-fix bugs and viruses. The psionic headsets make it easier, of course, and
Sollux seems at turns impressed and awed-- yet then angry and goading-- toward
the deftness with which you manipulate the software. It’s almost as if he has
some weird sort of split personality thing.
Sometimes, he even apologizes out of nowhere, and that’s a little weird.
Mostly, though, he’s a snarky asshole.
He’s also still hot. Like, really hot.
TG: u ever see someone so attractive yet so annoyin u just wanna blow chunx
GG: Er.
TG: i cant believe we are stuck doin inventory together
TG: like wat r the odds
TG: one BILLION to NEGATIVE ZERO
GG: :\
GG: Well, at least he’s easy on the eyes?
GG: Maybe you’ll have a chance to talk, and get to know each other better.
Settle your differences (and I don’t mean with fisticuffs!) :P
TG: SIGH
TG: hold on twins messagin me
TA: 2up.
TG: yo homeskillet
TA: you workiing the late shiift riight.
TG: ya
TA: me two.
TA: it2 ju2t me and that giirl.
TG: wut
TG: thats kinda hilar its just me and the douchebag tonite
TG: lol i love how we have these nameless buffoonz we bitch about to one
another
TA: ii thought he wa2 le22 2hiitty lately.
TG: well ya kno its on and off
TG: like he gets these moods
TA: well from what you tell me iit almo2t 2eem2 liike he ii2 iintere2ted iin a
kii2me2ii22iitude wiith you.
TG: yah i kno u talked about that b4
TG: maybe if he was a lil more slick ya kno
TA: yeah he 2ound2 a liittle clule22.
TA: then agaiin ii probably wouldnt do much better iin hii2 2iituatiion.
TG: naw dont compare yrself to this chump
TG: youre like a cassanova in comparison
As you walk by the open door of the break room, you hear Sollux snickering at
something from inside.
TG: def so because this dude is like laughin to himself all crazy rn
You pause in your tracks when you hear the distinct ding of a Pesterchum
message being delivered.
TG: um also he left his phone volume on mad loud
TG: hes chattin with someone
TA: um.
TA: that girl ii2 ju2t kiinda creepiily 2tandiing out2iide the door two the
break room.
TA: and.
TA: 2he al2o ha2 her phone volume up.
TG: thats cuz i just turned it up
Suddenly, you feel kind of sick.
You lean over, slowly, to look in through the break room door, phone in hand.
As you peer around the doorframe, you catch sight of Sollux, who is also in the
process of leaning over in his seat to peer around the doorframe, mouth agape,
before seeming to go about two shades paler than his normal tone of gray as he
freezes, and, fuck dammit, you can practically feel the anxiety emanating from
him.
He doesn’t look at you, though-- after several motionless seconds, you watch as
he types something into his phone.
TA: ARE YOU FUCKIING KIIDDIING ME.
TG: nope
TA: ii ju2t want two jump off a cliiff riight now.
TA: iim goiing two go diispo2e of my2elf iin the hud2on riiver.
TG: nah don’t do that
TA: thii2 ii2 mortiifyiing.
TG: why
TG: i think its a p. hilar and ironic twist AMIRITE
TA: no.
TG: its like i got str8-up memed on except the meme is alive or somethin
TG: wait why r we still textin
TG: i’m rite here yo
TG: in the flesh
TG: lets talk it out
TG: lets exercise the demons like theyre trainin 4 a marathong or somethin
“How is this even possible, he says, finally, throwing a hand up. “How did we
not know. How. What kind of morons are we. Like. How did we not even tell one
another our names--”
“We were too busy exchanging pics of tits and tentacles I guess.”
“Fuck my life,” Sollux moans, and slumps forward, placing his glasses on the
table so that he can mash his face into his hands.
TG: UM
TG: SO LIKE TWIN IS SOLLUX ILL EXPLAIN LATER
TG: WTF
GG: Wait, what?
TG: DIG MY GRAVE
TG: GET IT REDY
TG: RADY
TG: SLKJFKLDSFKGKLJ
“I suppose it’s pretty funny,” Sollux says, so suddenly that you jump. He leans
back in his chair and looks up to face you, finally.
You decide to be brave and take a seat next to him. He tenses as you walk up
and pull out the chair, but seems to relax as you sit and turn to face him.
“Uh… yeah,” you say, and drum your fingers nervously on the tabletop.
“You’re so cool online though. Shit, I mean-- I guess you’re cool in real life
too, I just had a different sort of impression-- I don’t know. Fuck. Wow I need
to shut up.”
“Nah, it’s cool,” you shrug. “I mean online personas are kinda different,
right? Looking back I guess you’re kinda still the same way in person, but
like… you know… I guess I was getting the other side of your weird troll
courtship systems.”
“It’s not weird. Your systems are weird.”
“Relationships in general are kinda nonsense. But like… okay. So like… is this
a… romantic hate thing? I mean, whatever it is that the real-life side of you
has for the real-life side of me.”
"Sort of. But it's more complicated than that," Sollux says, and shrugs. "I
mean… this is confusing. I'm a little stumped. I mean, on the internet I like
you a lot. You might even say that my interest in you leans towards flushed--"
"Is that like the sex one?" you blurt out.
"Uh. Pailing takes place in both concupiscent and calliginous quadrants, so I
guess, in your weird human terms, that I'd want to do 'the sex one' either
way."
The expression on your face must make it clear that you're still confused,
because Sollux clarifies with what you think is an eye roll behind his shades.
"Hey man give me a break ok. Besides, I know all about hate sex. I read
fanfic."
Sollux actually laughs a little bit.
Oh no he’s getting hotter by the second.
"I suppose internet relationships are kinda perilous, huh. Or… you know,
whatever it is we were doin. Still, kinda funny though, huh? At least we didn't
let it go too far. My buddy Dirk got involved with some dork through the
internet and it didn't work out at all. It was like, awkward town to the max. I
mean, this is hella awkward and all too, but… I think it might be salvageable."
"This is pretty fucking awkward. It's so awkward, in fact, that I'm not even
sure why we’re still talking."
"Hey whoa now don't get all bitchtastical on me," you say. "I'm just trying to
be nice. Besides, you're like hot and stuff, en-gee-el."
“En gee el?
"Uh, you know, 'not gonna lie'… I was just spelling out the abbreviation…
anyway, yeah.” You figure humor is the best way to go at this point, so you
decide to go all out. “Uh, I mean, if you wanted to have some hot steamy
interspecies hate sex sometime I'd probably be down. Or the romance sex. You
know. Whichever."
"Um."
Okay, maybe that didn’t go over as well as you thought it would.
"I'm kidding."
"Uh…"
"Meaning like I'm kidding kinda, because like we can't make the break room into
the bone zone right now but I mean if you were interested in the future or
something that'd be cool. I mean like, we could go on a date or something. I
mean I’ve seen your double alien dickstravaganza, so."
“Wow.”
“Seriously though how about it. You and me. Coffee date. Like Friday or
something.”
“Coffee is like, the most inferior method of caffeine delivery.”
You roll your eyes. “Okay then, what do you suggest Mr. Caffeine Master?”
“I suggest...” Sollux says, and then hesitates. Suddenly, he looks terrified.
“Yeaaaaaaah?”
“Uh. I suggest… that maybe we kiss. Right now.”
“Oh.”
“Shit, sorry. That was rude.”
“Um, nah, not really. I mean... you can.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah.”
Adrenaline spikes through you when you realize: yes, this is about to happen.
You’re about to kiss your weird pseudo-internet-boyfriend….whatever he is. Who
also happens to be your coworker who you thought you hated. Who also happens to
be really hot. And kinda cool. And has two dick tentacle things. You keep going
back to that one; it’s certainly a bonus.
He leans in, and for a split second you think about his teeth and wonder if
he’s actually about to gnaw your lips off with those two pairs of incisors as
some sort of evil troll hatesex foreplay revenge thing, but your nerves
gradually begin to relax as you realize that kissing him feels remarkably
similar to kissing a human, except for the fact that he’s got a forked tongue,
and when you stop picturing Sollux as a nerdy-ass snake wearing bi-colored
shades, it actually feels... kinda nice.
You giggle into his mouth a little bit and he pulls back.
“Okay, I get it, I suck at kissing, you don’t have to laugh at me.”
“Ohmygod shut up,” you murmur as you grab him by the hair and pull his head
back in to continue. He growls a little in your throat and kisses you deeper,
harder, and you are so, so, so turned on right now--
you feel a crackle of energy and something like fingers through your hair,
stroking and tugging, and then something like an extra pair of arms around you,
pulling you closer in some weird sort of pressure-hug thing thats outside you
but also inside you and holy fuck your eyes snap open and there’s little
literal sparks happening and holy shit this is ridiculously hot--
and then Sollux pulls away, and everything stops.
“Oh fuck I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m an asshole, I’m sorry,”
“Whoa dude chill it’s--“
“Fuck I didn’t even ask you if that was okay. That was awful of me. I’m like a
fucking… predator in the workplace. I’m sorry.”
“Sollux,” you say, loudly, and he pauses his freakout to look at you with an
expression of mixed fear and shame on his face.
“Was that like... your psionic powers and stuff?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that but I know you’ve said so many
times that you thought it sounded kinda sexy so--”
“Wow shut up because that was really fucking hot like oh my god,” you breathe.
His eyes widen in surprise. “Oh?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
You decide to go for the gold.
“Uh, you like it when things come in twos right?”
“Yeah.”
“Kiss me again, then,” you say.
He looks surprised, then pleased.
“On the double,” you add, in your best attempt at what you think is a sexy
voice.
Sollux growls as he kisses you, and you find yourself pressed between his body
and the wall behind you, crackles of blue and red sparks behind your eyelids as
energy courses through you and something other than the two hands roaming your
hips and ass tugs at your hair and pins your arms to your sides in the hottest
fucking moment you have ever dreamed of experiencing in your dorky teenage life
thus far.
Nothing gets inventoried that night.
When your boss is less than pleased at this fact and checks the security
cameras to see exactly what you did do for four hours, you and Sollux both
promptly find yourselves out of a job.
You don’t care too much though; the both of you will be starting school again
in less than a month, and Tekserve wasn’t going to be for the rest of your life
anyway. You’re also not completely mortified; you know the hot interspecies
makeouts only took up about an hour of that security tape. The rest of the time
you spent talking and cuddling and watching funny videos on YouTube. You
exchange actual phone numbers. You plan a date. You part with one more quite-
literally-electrifying kiss, and promise to message one another, as always,
once you’re home.
TA: hey roxy.
TA: iit feel2 2o wiierd two call you by that name.
TG: hey sollux
TG: lol yah hella weirdsauce up in here
TA: 2o are you okay wiith everythiing.
TA: ii hope ii wa2nt two overbeariing or cliingy or anythiing becau2e lookiing
back ii feel like maybe ii wa2.
TG: ummm no
TG: not at all
TG: whatre u talkin bout
TA: ii dont know iim beiing 2tupiid.
TG: yah lol
TG: um like
TG: we are def on for friday tho rite
TA: ye2.
TA: iit2 not liike we have two work or anythiing.
TA: ziing.
TG: lolz
TG: hell yeah
TG: fuck THE MAN
TA: you ready for thii2 2e22iion.
TG: hellz YEAH
twinArmageddons added tipsyGnostalgic to server Land of Unemployment and
Makeout2.
TG: omfg rofl
TG: more like land o oblivious dorks n lolerskate accidents
TA: eheheh.
TG: <3
TA: <3
End Notes
     You can find me at listentoyoubleed.tumblr.com.
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